Q. I'm usually a fantasy writer, but this is a shot at writing a more modern book. i haven't had any reviews of this so far, so what do you think of this beginning?
The still night air was broken by a rumbling in the distance.
Silhouetted trees rustled softly, towering high over a dirt road that wound like a dizzy snake through the flat Australian countryside. Hours ago, the sun had beat down on native plants until the grass was scorched dry and creeks vanished. Even the night air was hot.
The rumbling grew closer, growling and snarling as metal monsters came screaming down the road, kicking up dust clouds in their wake. Insects that had been dancing in the night air scattered as the three Harleys roared by, one by one. The riders were clad in leather, their faces hidden by helmets.
They rode for another hundred meters, before the one in front made a quick hand gesture and swerved dangerously to the side, off the road and banking on the crispy grass. The other two followed and dismounted.
"Do we leave them here?" a male's voice asked.
"Use your brain, Jason," a female - the leader - replied. "Who's going to take them?"
The last rider, the youngest of the three, rested his helmet on the seat of his bike. He shook his jet-black hair away from his eyes. "What if we were followed?"
"Who would follow us? We're just a bunch of kids going for a ride, aren't we? Anyway, we're more than a match for anyone who would follow us," the girl said.
"At least it's night," Jason pointed out to his seventeen-year-old brother. To his older sister, he said, "Mind you, Viv, I reckon we should use cars from now on. Or at least get Alex to stop revving the bike like that."
Alex grimaced.
Vivian took her helmet off and tied her long, white-blonde hair into a ponytail. "Cars are no fun. What's the time?"
Jason checked his watch. "One thirty," he replied.
"We have half an hour. Let's get moving."
I'm going to post a more action-y scene in a few moments, but so far, what do you think?
The still night air was broken by a rumbling in the distance.
Silhouetted trees rustled softly, towering high over a dirt road that wound like a dizzy snake through the flat Australian countryside. Hours ago, the sun had beat down on native plants until the grass was scorched dry and creeks vanished. Even the night air was hot.
The rumbling grew closer, growling and snarling as metal monsters came screaming down the road, kicking up dust clouds in their wake. Insects that had been dancing in the night air scattered as the three Harleys roared by, one by one. The riders were clad in leather, their faces hidden by helmets.
They rode for another hundred meters, before the one in front made a quick hand gesture and swerved dangerously to the side, off the road and banking on the crispy grass. The other two followed and dismounted.
"Do we leave them here?" a male's voice asked.
"Use your brain, Jason," a female - the leader - replied. "Who's going to take them?"
The last rider, the youngest of the three, rested his helmet on the seat of his bike. He shook his jet-black hair away from his eyes. "What if we were followed?"
"Who would follow us? We're just a bunch of kids going for a ride, aren't we? Anyway, we're more than a match for anyone who would follow us," the girl said.
"At least it's night," Jason pointed out to his seventeen-year-old brother. To his older sister, he said, "Mind you, Viv, I reckon we should use cars from now on. Or at least get Alex to stop revving the bike like that."
Alex grimaced.
Vivian took her helmet off and tied her long, white-blonde hair into a ponytail. "Cars are no fun. What's the time?"
Jason checked his watch. "One thirty," he replied.
"We have half an hour. Let's get moving."
I'm going to post a more action-y scene in a few moments, but so far, what do you think?
Answer
Well first thing is first. The first sentence try arranging it as: A rumbling in the distance broke the still night air. Instead of what you have. other than that it's okay.At first I was bored but then it started to get interesting and it did leave me hanging wanting to find out more. I like your setting. try making it clearer because it sometimes gets to a point where it's confusing.
Other than that it's good.
E-mail me if you need anymore editing.
=]
Good Luck!
Well first thing is first. The first sentence try arranging it as: A rumbling in the distance broke the still night air. Instead of what you have. other than that it's okay.At first I was bored but then it started to get interesting and it did leave me hanging wanting to find out more. I like your setting. try making it clearer because it sometimes gets to a point where it's confusing.
Other than that it's good.
E-mail me if you need anymore editing.
=]
Good Luck!
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