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I'm usually the first to scoff at these kinds of questions ... but I'm honestly starting to wonder and worry about my 3-yr old. My husband says I'm being paranoid, too soft on him and he doesn't exhibit the same behaviors with him as he does with me. What my husband forgets is, that my son spends 90% of his awake time with me, so obviously he'll behave differently.
He's extremely hyper and all over the place. Nothing keeps him occupied for more than 5 minutes at a time, unless he's being active - like swimming or riding his bike, that he can do for hours on end. Sometimes, if there's a really good movie on, he'll watch it, but gets up frequently with little requests for things like milk or a snack.
When he gets upset or angry he'll lash out by hitting or shaking me - he goes into the naughty chair when he does this, and while he's doing it I'll tell him to stop, and he'll stop for a little while, but next time he'll do it again. This he only does with me, not my husband (that's why my husband thinks I'm just being too soft on him). He whinges, cries and throws tantrums whenever I say no to something. Every. Single. Time.
He babbles non-stop ... even when he's ignored he doesn't stop. He'll frequently interrupt conversations, and I'll tell him to wait his turn because I'm talking to his daddy now (for instance), but he just goes right on talking. He screams and yells, for no other reason than he can do it. When I tell him to lower his voice, he just keeps right on screaming, sometimes even during a regular conversation. He struggles to go to sleep, sometimes it can take up to two hours to get him to sleep, and then he'll wake up during the night a few times, but be up at the crack of dawn to get going again ... he doesn't nap at all. He'll start doing something, like painting a picture, then stops mere seconds later declaring that he's done.
He's extremely demanding of my time and attention. He can not and will not entertain himself, even if I refuse to give him any attention. He says no to everything. If I give him a task to do, he'll flat out refuse, or start doing the task then stop.
Apart from the hitting, I'm wondering if this is just normal 'boy' behavior or if I should have him evaluated. He's always been a busy little guy, even as a newborn (he crawled by the time he was 5 months old), but this is off the charts. I'm exhausted, and I get so depressed when he gets up out of bed for the 10th time at night demanding even more of my attention, just because he doesn't want to sleep. I don't mind giving him attention, but after 15 hrs straight of hearing nothing but mommy, mommy, mommy and looking for something new he/we can do that won't bore him, I do need a little down time too.
This isn't all of it, there are other little things he does that just doesn't seem like 'normal' kid behavior. The school has called me in already, because he won't sit quietly when they're supposed to do their work (he wants to go play), or he'll rush through a task to get it done or if he's really bored and can't get out of it, he'll just space out until he can get up from the desk. He gets exceptional reports though, so he's a bright enough boy.
@Ms. Nancy. First off, you're rude. Secondly, I NEVER switch the television on during the day, because I don't have time to watch television. I don't read magazines, I do however read fiction novels before bed, if that's quite okay with you? I do have the radio on, because my children enjoy listening to music and dancing. Is that okay? Or should we live in a dead quiet house? I haven't watched Oprah since I was 18, I'm now 33 ...
Perhaps try to be helpful instead of condescending.
Good grief. I don't want to medicate my child into submission. I want to help HIM - not me. Sure, we didn't have ADD and ADHD when we were children, and 100 years ago we didn't have schizophrenia either, just crazy people in asylums. Nor did we have antibiotics, but medical science advances, and now we don't die of infections anymore because of penicillin, and schizophrenia can be managed quite well with medication.
For what it's worth, I'm not a 'medicate them until they listen' kind of mother ... I'm asking if it's normal for him to be this way, and if it's not and he is diagnosed with ADHD, I'll try alternatives first before I'll even consider medication.
Answer
Take a deep breath...
If you're concerned, that's the first indication that you're doing a good job as a mother. We all worry about our children, and we definitely want to be proactive in handling any difficult situations such as his having a disability or illness. If you are truly concerned, I would definitely suggest talking with your pediatrician about it. However, I would also suggest holding off on any medications simply for the fact that children quickly build tolerance to medications and what may start off as a small dose at age 3 could lead to huge dosages by adolescence. Many times large amounts of medication may help with the symptoms, but they can also mask your child's personality.
It sounds like you definitely have an active and precocious toddler on your hands. I would suggest a few things:
1. Make a schedule for your day where your child knows exactly what he is supposed to be doing at any given part of the day. Of course, it will have to be flexible on any given day. Include in this schedule lots of active times for playing outside or playing games inside. Also, include some down time wherein he is expected to be still and color or watch tv (it's not all bad - just make sure there's a benefit to it). Start with the active times being much greater than the down times. When he gets used to having a schedule, you can increase the down time to give yourself some rest. Use a timer to that he knows that the down time is not unlimited.
2. Each week, try to schedule some time for you. If your husband works, ask if he would be willing to take care of your son during a week night or for a few hours on the weekend. As moms, we take on a lot, and it easily becomes stressful. If you have something to look forward to, it will help ease your mind during those times when you may feel like pulling out your hair.
3. When he acts up, let his "time out" place be somewhere with no stimulation. We use our spare room at my house; my sister has used a bathroom. Simply somewhere the child has no reinforcement. Limit it to one minute per year of life (i.e. 3 minutes for your son). When he comes out, take the time to explain why he was sent to time out. In addition, praise him as much as possible for even the most meaningless positive behaviors.
4. When he gets out of bed, have no discussion with him. Just go put him back in bed, kiss him on the forehead and go back to bed... This will probably keep you up for about 3 or 4 nights, I realize, but without the reinforcement of the attention and/or conversation, it may not be much fun for him.
With these suggestions, though, there are a few reminders:
1. The most intelligent children are going to be the ones who often give their parents a hard time. They see our weaknesses and will manipulate them to the end of the earth. Not because they don't love us but because that's what kids do.
2. You know your child better than anyone in this world. Your opinions do count, and you should always follow your instincts. Yes, there are people who have had many many years in school and are experts in their field, but you are the expert on your child.
3. When you are trying to extinguish behaviors, there are "extinction bursts" wherein the behavior gets worse before it gets better. So be prepared for that and work through it.
4. None of us have a manual on parenting...So, we're going to make mistakes sometimes... Even Oprah ;). In all seriousness - You're allowed to be frustrated, and you're not alone. Don't ever let anyone feel like you're not doing your job. If you're trying and you're loving that child with all you've got, you're doing a great job!
Spousal sabotage - How can I stop it?
Q. For the most part our child is a happy go-lucky child but like most toddlers he goes get upset sometimes, particularly when he doesn't get his own way. I've been reading the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and just finished the part about the FFR and Toddler-ese. My son was in the back yard and him and dad just got back from a small bike ride/walk (trike with adult handle) around the block and was upset because he wanted to go again. I talked to my husband (before the walk) about this new method and said I'd like to try it sometime). So when my toddler was upset and wanted to go back out for another ride I saw this as a perfect opportunity to try the new technique. Basically you use short sentences with repetition and change the tone of your voice to match your child's emotions but with a little less intensity. If you can use matching body language too all the better. In the beginning you need to repeat the short sentence a few times before they will look at you and listen to you, now knowing that you understand what they are feeling and are more willing to; be distracted, listen to a logical argument...etc.
I I went to my son, got down to eye level and started mirroring his emotional outburst (not full intensity it's meant to be about 30%). I started to repeat the short repetitive sentence and my husband jumped in and said "fine I'll take him to the park." I gave him a look and told him to please give us a minute and tried to start over again with my son who was now upset because I had made my husband (who wasn't upset) a priority over him who needed his mom's understanding. Again my husband inturrupted and I got pissed off and said "we don't always need to give into him." I tried again and again my husband got in the middle of what I was trying to do so I gave up.
How can I get through to my partner that he needs to stop getting involved when I'm trying to acknowledge my sons feelings in a way my son will feel understood. I'm so angry right now.
Before someone asks, no dad didn't want to go again.
When one parent is actively engaging a child the other parent should not step in.
And dad had already left the situation he was on his way inside....no longer engaging the child.
It is perfectly acceptable for a mother in that position to want to calm her son down.
Some Parenting Books are written just for the sake of getting some money but not all. Science and technology changes all the time and it's not unreasonable to imagine society can learn new things and move forward. Learning new parenting techniques that work better then barbaric beating of the past or a cure for cancer....I believe the world can grow and improve upon itself. I'm sorry that you don't agree.
You clearly don't understand the principle behind the book and that's a shame.
You don't get mad at your toddler you show him/her that you understand their feelings. Once they know that you are listening to what they are trying to tell you then you can go back to a more neutral tone and move forward with resolving the situation.
By acknowledging your child's feelings in a respectful way (not the robotic, I know you want this but, no) then they will calm down because you got the message and will be more willing to listen to you.
It's about listening to them, repeating back what they have told you and once they feel better you can take your turn and say something new,
it's called the Fast Food Rule. The person in greater need speaks (orders their food), then the order taker repeats the order. Once you confirm the order they move on in the conversation and tell you the total and where to pay.
It is the talk/listen cycle. When you child is upset he/she needs to talk first, you need to listen and show that you are listening by repeating back to your child what his/her concerns are. Then when they feel heard and calm down you can proceed with distraction or a logical explanation. A logical explanation or distraction are more likely to work if you acknowledge their feelings first.
Answer
First of all, ignore the people who are criticizing you for wanting to try a new techique. Good parents are always curious about finding new ways to communicate with and to teach their children, and true, some ideas are bad ones, but you never know which ones will work for you and your kid.
I think the best thing to do might be to wait until later, when your son is not around, and ask your husband to talk to you with no distractions. Explain to him exactly how you feel, just try your best not to criticize him (like say, 'You always do such-and-such'. Instead, just explain how his actions cause you to feel. You might also want to point out that in the long run, it's really a bad idea to show your son that you two are not on the same page, because he will use it as a weak spot (like running to you because your husband said no to something, or visa verse, or telling you, 'Daddy said it was ok' when that's not true). Tell him that showing your son a united front is much more important than whether or not you give in sometimes to your son's demands. Make THAT the point. Ask him if he's willing to try the new technique for just a certain amount of time and see if it works, like 3 weeks. If you wait until you're both cooled down and if in general he listens to you and respects you, that should get through to him.
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