hendsbeex
I have a 3 year old boy. On Saturday, we were in our back yeard playing around his toddler pool (it is no more than 4 inches deep, with maybe a diameter of 6 feet) when the little girl next door came over. She is maybe 6 or 7. She started playing with my son, which I have no problem with as she comes over quite often to push him around on his bike, or car or whatever. The next thing I know, 3 of this girl's friends come out of nowhere, and start splashing around in the pool, they were all a good 3 years older than my son, which basically forced my son out as he was by far the smallest. I sent all the kids out of my yard, including the first little girl. This upset my son, as he had no-one to play with. The little girl came back later in the afternoon, and I explained why I did what I did, and told her that she, and only she is welcome to come over and play with my son. He does have younger friends that he plays with in some of the groups that he is in.
Answer
Absolutely. It was the correct and wise course of action. You not only had to be protective of your son who could have accidentally gotten hurt by the bigger kids, but also look out for the safety of the other children and have consideration for their parents who might not have felt entirely comfortable with them being in a pool or even in another person's yard without their knowledge. It was unlikely that an accident would have happened with you standing right there and them being older, but children have drowned in small amounts of water, and I think you should always have the permission of each of the parents whenever you have a child younger than 10 in any kind of pool. Had one of the girls gotten hurt, you could have been held liable, morally and legally. When I was 13 I was babysitting my younger sisters when a friend of theirs from the neighborhood came over, and her parents and mine were really upset I let them go into the pool, and that's when my parents said that each parent had to know whenever a kid went into a pool and to give consent each & every time. My mom is a doctor who once had a 2 year old with severe neurological problems for life because she fell face-down in a toddler pool and couldn't get up. You have to be so careful with all that.
It doesn't sound like you yelled at the girls or were unkind to them, and that you took the time to explain to the neighbord girl that she was welcome at your home, and to make her understand that you weren't angry and didn't dislike her.
You handled it really well.
Absolutely. It was the correct and wise course of action. You not only had to be protective of your son who could have accidentally gotten hurt by the bigger kids, but also look out for the safety of the other children and have consideration for their parents who might not have felt entirely comfortable with them being in a pool or even in another person's yard without their knowledge. It was unlikely that an accident would have happened with you standing right there and them being older, but children have drowned in small amounts of water, and I think you should always have the permission of each of the parents whenever you have a child younger than 10 in any kind of pool. Had one of the girls gotten hurt, you could have been held liable, morally and legally. When I was 13 I was babysitting my younger sisters when a friend of theirs from the neighborhood came over, and her parents and mine were really upset I let them go into the pool, and that's when my parents said that each parent had to know whenever a kid went into a pool and to give consent each & every time. My mom is a doctor who once had a 2 year old with severe neurological problems for life because she fell face-down in a toddler pool and couldn't get up. You have to be so careful with all that.
It doesn't sound like you yelled at the girls or were unkind to them, and that you took the time to explain to the neighbord girl that she was welcome at your home, and to make her understand that you weren't angry and didn't dislike her.
You handled it really well.
I think my son has ADHD?
elainevdb
I'm usually the first to scoff at these kinds of questions ... but I'm honestly starting to wonder and worry about my 3-yr old. My husband says I'm being paranoid, too soft on him and he doesn't exhibit the same behaviors with him as he does with me. What my husband forgets is, that my son spends 90% of his awake time with me, so obviously he'll behave differently.
He's extremely hyper and all over the place. Nothing keeps him occupied for more than 5 minutes at a time, unless he's being active - like swimming or riding his bike, that he can do for hours on end. Sometimes, if there's a really good movie on, he'll watch it, but gets up frequently with little requests for things like milk or a snack.
When he gets upset or angry he'll lash out by hitting or shaking me - he goes into the naughty chair when he does this, and while he's doing it I'll tell him to stop, and he'll stop for a little while, but next time he'll do it again. This he only does with me, not my husband (that's why my husband thinks I'm just being too soft on him). He whinges, cries and throws tantrums whenever I say no to something. Every. Single. Time.
He babbles non-stop ... even when he's ignored he doesn't stop. He'll frequently interrupt conversations, and I'll tell him to wait his turn because I'm talking to his daddy now (for instance), but he just goes right on talking. He screams and yells, for no other reason than he can do it. When I tell him to lower his voice, he just keeps right on screaming, sometimes even during a regular conversation. He struggles to go to sleep, sometimes it can take up to two hours to get him to sleep, and then he'll wake up during the night a few times, but be up at the crack of dawn to get going again ... he doesn't nap at all. He'll start doing something, like painting a picture, then stops mere seconds later declaring that he's done.
He's extremely demanding of my time and attention. He can not and will not entertain himself, even if I refuse to give him any attention. He says no to everything. If I give him a task to do, he'll flat out refuse, or start doing the task then stop.
Apart from the hitting, I'm wondering if this is just normal 'boy' behavior or if I should have him evaluated. He's always been a busy little guy, even as a newborn (he crawled by the time he was 5 months old), but this is off the charts. I'm exhausted, and I get so depressed when he gets up out of bed for the 10th time at night demanding even more of my attention, just because he doesn't want to sleep. I don't mind giving him attention, but after 15 hrs straight of hearing nothing but mommy, mommy, mommy and looking for something new he/we can do that won't bore him, I do need a little down time too.
This isn't all of it, there are other little things he does that just doesn't seem like 'normal' kid behavior. The school has called me in already, because he won't sit quietly when they're supposed to do their work (he wants to go play), or he'll rush through a task to get it done or if he's really bored and can't get out of it, he'll just space out until he can get up from the desk. He gets exceptional reports though, so he's a bright enough boy.
@Ms. Nancy. First off, you're rude. Secondly, I NEVER switch the television on during the day, because I don't have time to watch television. I don't read magazines, I do however read fiction novels before bed, if that's quite okay with you? I do have the radio on, because my children enjoy listening to music and dancing. Is that okay? Or should we live in a dead quiet house? I haven't watched Oprah since I was 18, I'm now 33 ...
Perhaps try to be helpful instead of condescending.
Good grief. I don't want to medicate my child into submission. I want to help HIM - not me. Sure, we didn't have ADD and ADHD when we were children, and 100 years ago we didn't have schizophrenia either, just crazy people in asylums. Nor did we have antibiotics, but medical science advances, and now we don't die of infections anymore because of penicillin, and schizophrenia can be managed quite well with medication.
For what it's worth, I'm not a 'medicate them until they listen' kind of mother ... I'm asking if it's normal for him to be this way, and if it's not and he is diagnosed with ADHD, I'll try alternatives first before I'll even consider medication.
Answer
Take a deep breath...
If you're concerned, that's the first indication that you're doing a good job as a mother. We all worry about our children, and we definitely want to be proactive in handling any difficult situations such as his having a disability or illness. If you are truly concerned, I would definitely suggest talking with your pediatrician about it. However, I would also suggest holding off on any medications simply for the fact that children quickly build tolerance to medications and what may start off as a small dose at age 3 could lead to huge dosages by adolescence. Many times large amounts of medication may help with the symptoms, but they can also mask your child's personality.
It sounds like you definitely have an active and precocious toddler on your hands. I would suggest a few things:
1. Make a schedule for your day where your child knows exactly what he is supposed to be doing at any given part of the day. Of course, it will have to be flexible on any given day. Include in this schedule lots of active times for playing outside or playing games inside. Also, include some down time wherein he is expected to be still and color or watch tv (it's not all bad - just make sure there's a benefit to it). Start with the active times being much greater than the down times. When he gets used to having a schedule, you can increase the down time to give yourself some rest. Use a timer to that he knows that the down time is not unlimited.
2. Each week, try to schedule some time for you. If your husband works, ask if he would be willing to take care of your son during a week night or for a few hours on the weekend. As moms, we take on a lot, and it easily becomes stressful. If you have something to look forward to, it will help ease your mind during those times when you may feel like pulling out your hair.
3. When he acts up, let his "time out" place be somewhere with no stimulation. We use our spare room at my house; my sister has used a bathroom. Simply somewhere the child has no reinforcement. Limit it to one minute per year of life (i.e. 3 minutes for your son). When he comes out, take the time to explain why he was sent to time out. In addition, praise him as much as possible for even the most meaningless positive behaviors.
4. When he gets out of bed, have no discussion with him. Just go put him back in bed, kiss him on the forehead and go back to bed... This will probably keep you up for about 3 or 4 nights, I realize, but without the reinforcement of the attention and/or conversation, it may not be much fun for him.
With these suggestions, though, there are a few reminders:
1. The most intelligent children are going to be the ones who often give their parents a hard time. They see our weaknesses and will manipulate them to the end of the earth. Not because they don't love us but because that's what kids do.
2. You know your child better than anyone in this world. Your opinions do count, and you should always follow your instincts. Yes, there are people who have had many many years in school and are experts in their field, but you are the expert on your child.
3. When you are trying to extinguish behaviors, there are "extinction bursts" wherein the behavior gets worse before it gets better. So be prepared for that and work through it.
4. None of us have a manual on parenting...So, we're going to make mistakes sometimes... Even Oprah ;). In all seriousness - You're allowed to be frustrated, and you're not alone. Don't ever let anyone feel like you're not doing your job. If you're trying and you're loving that child with all you've got, you're doing a great job!
Take a deep breath...
If you're concerned, that's the first indication that you're doing a good job as a mother. We all worry about our children, and we definitely want to be proactive in handling any difficult situations such as his having a disability or illness. If you are truly concerned, I would definitely suggest talking with your pediatrician about it. However, I would also suggest holding off on any medications simply for the fact that children quickly build tolerance to medications and what may start off as a small dose at age 3 could lead to huge dosages by adolescence. Many times large amounts of medication may help with the symptoms, but they can also mask your child's personality.
It sounds like you definitely have an active and precocious toddler on your hands. I would suggest a few things:
1. Make a schedule for your day where your child knows exactly what he is supposed to be doing at any given part of the day. Of course, it will have to be flexible on any given day. Include in this schedule lots of active times for playing outside or playing games inside. Also, include some down time wherein he is expected to be still and color or watch tv (it's not all bad - just make sure there's a benefit to it). Start with the active times being much greater than the down times. When he gets used to having a schedule, you can increase the down time to give yourself some rest. Use a timer to that he knows that the down time is not unlimited.
2. Each week, try to schedule some time for you. If your husband works, ask if he would be willing to take care of your son during a week night or for a few hours on the weekend. As moms, we take on a lot, and it easily becomes stressful. If you have something to look forward to, it will help ease your mind during those times when you may feel like pulling out your hair.
3. When he acts up, let his "time out" place be somewhere with no stimulation. We use our spare room at my house; my sister has used a bathroom. Simply somewhere the child has no reinforcement. Limit it to one minute per year of life (i.e. 3 minutes for your son). When he comes out, take the time to explain why he was sent to time out. In addition, praise him as much as possible for even the most meaningless positive behaviors.
4. When he gets out of bed, have no discussion with him. Just go put him back in bed, kiss him on the forehead and go back to bed... This will probably keep you up for about 3 or 4 nights, I realize, but without the reinforcement of the attention and/or conversation, it may not be much fun for him.
With these suggestions, though, there are a few reminders:
1. The most intelligent children are going to be the ones who often give their parents a hard time. They see our weaknesses and will manipulate them to the end of the earth. Not because they don't love us but because that's what kids do.
2. You know your child better than anyone in this world. Your opinions do count, and you should always follow your instincts. Yes, there are people who have had many many years in school and are experts in their field, but you are the expert on your child.
3. When you are trying to extinguish behaviors, there are "extinction bursts" wherein the behavior gets worse before it gets better. So be prepared for that and work through it.
4. None of us have a manual on parenting...So, we're going to make mistakes sometimes... Even Oprah ;). In all seriousness - You're allowed to be frustrated, and you're not alone. Don't ever let anyone feel like you're not doing your job. If you're trying and you're loving that child with all you've got, you're doing a great job!
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